In the wake of last semester’s low attendance, the newly elected CAB officers announced via mass email on Monday that there will be only two performances for the rest of this semester: Chris Brown, on April 18, and Daniel Tosh, on April 25.
“At this point, we’re willing to try anything that might catch the campus’s imagination,” CAB director Wally Washington said. “CAB determined that the best strategy for encouraging student attendance was to book the biggest names out there that would fit into our budget.”
Brown and Tosh have been controversial figures in the past few years, to say the least.
“That’s why we got them so cheap,” Washington added with a hint of pride.
Unhappy students assembled in Olin Plaza after receiving the announcement. Then, junior Michelle Dunham said, the unthinkable happened: “We all went to a CAB meeting.”
The usually docile students proposed measures like “Brownproofing” the CAB budget–reducing the funding to the point where even one performance from an unmarketable, controversial name was out of the question.
“Seriously, let’s just keep hiring the cheapest, most obscure names possible,” senior Mark Conway suggested.
Another student suggested sanctions from AFAC to prevent the payment. Director of Student Activities Jerry Lindberg said that was out of the question.
“Unfortunately CAB has chosen to hire misogynists. Not paying them will turn them into angry misogynists,” Lindberg said.
A few stalwarts maintained their apathy toward CAB. Sophomore Jake Quigley was among them.
“I didn’t go before, so what can I do differently? Not attend, but with a purpose? Give me a break,” Quigley said.