CAB hires Chris Brown, Daniel Tosh

1 Apr

In the wake of last semester’s low attendance, the newly elected CAB officers announced via mass email on Monday that there will be only two performances for the rest of this semester: Chris Brown, on April 18, and Daniel Tosh, on April 25.

“At this point, we’re willing to try anything that might catch the campus’s imagination,” CAB director Wally Washington said. “CAB determined that the best strategy for encouraging student attendance was to book the biggest names out there that would fit into our budget.”

Brown and Tosh have been controversial figures in the past few years, to say the least.

“That’s why we got them so cheap,” Washington added with a hint of pride.

Unhappy students assembled in Olin Plaza after receiving the announcement. Then, junior Michelle Dunham said, the unthinkable happened: “We all went to a CAB meeting.”

The usually docile students proposed measures like “Brownproofing” the CAB budget–reducing the funding to the point where even one performance from an unmarketable, controversial name was out of the question.

“Seriously, let’s just keep hiring the cheapest, most obscure names possible,” senior Mark Conway suggested.

Another student suggested sanctions from AFAC to prevent the payment. Director of Student Activities Jerry Lindberg said that was out of the question.

“Unfortunately CAB has chosen to hire misogynists. Not paying them will turn them into angry misogynists,” Lindberg said.

A few stalwarts maintained their apathy toward CAB. Sophomore Jake Quigley was among them.

“I didn’t go before, so what can I do differently? Not attend, but with a purpose? Give me a break,” Quigley said.

Zack’s now open 24 hours, with help of Red Cross

31 Mar

Dining Services has obtained a grant from the American Red Cross to keep Zack’s open 24 hours, seven days a week, for “humanitarian reasons.”

“We at the Red Cross have seen the plight of Ursinus students forced to eat in Upper Wismer dining hall,” Red Cross spokeswoman Andrea Teague said. “Safe, edible food is the right of every human being. For this reason, we have issued a grant to Zack’s food court, for Ursinus students to have continuous access to acceptable food.”

Students hailed the decision as much-needed relief, and said they’d suffered too long.

“I’m glad someone has finally taken action, but I don’t know why it took so long,” senior Ryan Zeller said. “I’ve starved on the weekends for four years now. The Red Cross cleaned up Hurricane Sandy in like two seconds,” he added.

Sophomore Kylie Meringue was most happy about the extended hours. “When they closed Zack’s at 1 p.m., that really crossed the line,” she said. “I had no access to hot, fresh food, prepared for me, for an entire three and a half hours–every single day. It was awful.”

Freshman Betty Ghari was slightly concerned by the turn of events. “I didn’t think our dining hall was so bad. I like the food alright. I certainly didn’t think the Red Cross should intervene,” she said. “But I guess the juniors and seniors have a better idea of how things are supposed to be.”

President Larry Williams was optimistic about the outcome.

“Yes, we created a situation where the Red Cross intervened on our campus. But the result is that we have a 24-hour dining hall at no additional cost to the institution. I see that as a positive,” Williams said. “We’re even considering scaling back the room and board price hike.”

The Red Cross has not yet announced plans to reinstate the larger cups at Zack’s, nor have they indicated the future of Pandini’s.

Student email address spells dirty word

30 Mar

Freshman Ashley Shole was mortified when she arrived at orientation and realized that her Ursinus login formed a naughty word.

The Ursinus nomenclature takes the first two letters of a student’s first name combined with the student’s entire last name. In Shole’s case, the result was disassterous.

“I mean, what’s the thinking behind that?” Shole said. “Human beings should be looking at these names before they’re slapped together this way.”

Ursinus tech support took a firm stance on the subject.

“We do not set up 400 individual student accounts each year. It’s simply too time consuming. What the system spits out is what you get,” said Hugh McCraken, who manages the Ursinus network.

Shole issued a complaint, asking for a new login.

“We just can’t do that,” McCraken said. “Once it’s created, we can’t alter it. And if we create a new account, she’ll lose a whole month of meaningless, attachment-laden spam from student organizations.”

Field Hockey: Poor 1st half results in execution of offense

29 Mar

The Ursinus field hockey team was trailing Franklin & Marshall 0-3 when head coach Ursula Mooney began executing her offense.

“Their performance was dismal. I called a quick huddle with the assistant coaches, and we agreed, we had to start executing,” Mooney said.

There were discussions of mercy–of executing only part or parts of the offense–but Mooney held firm.

“You have to go all-in on these sorts of things,” she said.

Franklin & Marshall went on to win 4-0.

Social Norms survey: Alcohol not a problem at Ursinus, ‘wink, wink’

29 Mar

Results from the annual Social Norms survey found that exactly zero freshmen and sophomores consume alcohol at Ursinus. Juniors and seniors engaged in moderate, responsible consumption, and drank only on the weekends, according to the survey.

Critics of the findings point out that only one freshman and two sophomores submitted a complete survey, and just 15 students responded, in total.

“At a school of 1650, those 15 students are almost a full one percent. As far as I’m concerned, that’s statistically significant,” Ursinus president Larry Williams said.

“Surely President Williams realizes that all surveys have issues with selection bias,” freshman Tricia McNotty said. “I’m not going to admit to the school that I’m committing a crime every weekend.”

Williams dismissed rumors that Residence Life Director Dorris Dweller bribed the lone freshman to participate. Students, meanwhile, are convinced that the usually straight-laced freshman Denny Sauber either took a bribe from Res Life or became a drug dealer.

“College students simply don’t drop cash like Denny does unless something’s fishy,” freshman conspiracy theorist Rick Ong said. Sauber was spotted at the Collegeville Diner on Sunday, bankrolling dinner for five with his Bear Bucks.

The college’s press release regarding the survey even seems to think the findings are a little hard to believe.

“We remain confident that no minor has ever consumed alcohol on college grounds,” the release reads. “Nope, that’s definitely not a problem here.”

Less controversial was Ursinus students’ failure to appoint designated drivers.

“If we’re totally honest, we don’t need to drive to or from anywhere to get smashed,” senior Lisa Portman said.

Outspoken critic of college athletics caught with multiple NCAA tourney brackets

28 Mar

Members of the Ursinus men’s soccer team were surprised to find Ron Berry, who recently ridiculed intercollegiate athletics in The Grizzly, filling out four different NCAA tournament brackets.

“At first, I didn’t think it was him,” midfielder Ralph Watson said. “He looked really paranoid, though, and he tried to eat his brackets when we realized who he was.”

Two of Berry’s brackets were legible, despite his attempt at ingesting them. One bracket had Gonzaga as national champion, and in the other he chose Miami. Berry planned on submitting brackets to a variety of campus pools.

Those plans were disrupted when Watson and company snatched the brackets away from Berry and posted photos of the incident, as well as partial scans of the brackets, on Facebook.

“LOL those brackets woulda been busted even he didn’t mack on ‘em,” junior Kenny Saxon wrote in a comment.

“I had to cheer for Gonzaga as an underdog. They aren’t BCS scum,” Berry said in a lengthy Facebook post defending his picks. “As for Miami, I have two words for you: Miami Hermancains.” Berry declined to say which teams he selected in the half-swallowed brackets. “They were unconventional, that’s for sure,” he said.

Friends and supporters of the controversial Berry responded with emotions ranging from amused disbelief to disgust.

“Ron, you’re such a contradiction,” friend Andy Jordan said, chuckling.

“I’m deeply offended,” loyal supporter Trevor Drake said. “We looked up to him, and then he got sucked into the fascist, money-grubbing sports complex just like everybody else. Ron Berry is dead to me.”

Few students were able to muster a reasonable, measured response to Berry’s bracket bungle.

“I just don’t think it’s that big of a deal. The guy’s a hypocrite. Most of us are,” Deidra Jones said. “The environmental people print out fliers. So what?”

Ursinus board of trustees to open strip club above Marzella’s

27 Mar

Board of trustees chair Alan Blanch announced a “state of the art, in-house gentleman’s club” to be opened this August, on the second floor of the Marzella’s building. Ursinus purchased the building last fall.

Women’s groups on campus called the move “evidence of the shameless pursuit of any and all male enrollment” at the expense of female dignity. Protestors vowed to boycott Marzella’s in response.

“The least we can do is hurt one of their tenants by not eating pizza,” protestor Cara Sullivan said. “That will pressure them to sell the building, you know, if all their tenants end up like Blend and The Lunchbox.”

Business and Economics professor Leonard Rakeem, in contrast, pointed out that stripping is one of few jobs where women have far superior earning potential.

“You ladies should get a head start paying off those loans,” Rakeem said. “But gentlemen can earn money as bouncers and security guards too. Having a monopoly on Collegeville titty-bars will be a real boon for the Ursinus economy,” he said.

In Bomberger, female students could be seen cringing as they overheard parts of Rakeem’s response to the plans.

Dean Noah Whitacre hoped it would keep the school’s male population closer to home.

“Year after year, the reports say our males, especially the younger ones, use their newly-minted adult status and distance from their parents to go look at breasts in person,” Whitacre said. “Like the drinking, we’re more comfortable if it happens on our terms.”

Male groups have been silent, and are largely believed to be worried that any comment on the matter could dash the strip club’s chances of becoming a reality.

A campus-wide survey revealed that 62 percent of Ursinus males would consider attending such a club. Seventeen percent responded “Yes, I would attend for sure,” with an additional 45 percent saying “It depends on the strippers.” Nineteen percent gave a flat “No,” and another 19 percent wrote “Duke lacrosse” in the “Other” blank.

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